Thursday, October 08, 2009

Belfast

With a private chartered plane (Fokker 50) fifty Dutch representatives took off to Belfast. As we were all not afraid to be dropped off like packages in the North Sea (you'll never know!) we headed to our three day conference in Belfast in Northern Ireland. I dont know about the others but I was full of expectations of this country with an enormous political and religious history, the country where one of my most favorite bands, Clannad, comes from and of course the beautiful landscapes and not to forget the Irish whisky.

The organiser of the conference, The British Council, had done a good job. 50 Dutch and 50 English executives from multinationals like Shell, BP, Akzonobel, TNT and Marsh, professors, politicians, headhunters and journalists gathered to talk about Trust, Social Cohesion and the State of the country in an economic downturn.

What I felt already in the plane was the energy of the group. There was a 'positive vibe'. Everybody wanted to share his or her ideas with the one sitting next to him or her. Of course everybody had his own interests to come to the conference but I could also sense that we went to Belfast with an open sight. We were ready to exchange points of view and learn from each other.

It was one of the best conferences I attended. Not because of the outcome (we did come up with exact ideas on how to bring real improvements on our lives, and we tried to come up with ideas how to forecome the risk that our societies become increasingly closed and self-interested) or the new people I met, but because I learned so much about Northern Ireland and it's dramatic history.

As soon as we landed on Irish soil, we were picked up by the bus, not to go to our hotel and check in comfortably, but to go to one of the most famous warzones in the world. We were on a walking excursion of Belfast's conflict and reconciliation landmarks which were guided by members of Epic (UVF/Red Hand Commando ex-prisoners) and Coiste (IRA ex-prisoners).
It was so surprising to hear both sides of the story. Eventhough both of the guides assured us that they would tell their story honestly and objectively, which you could tell of course was not the case. The IRA ex-prisoner had been in jail for fourteen years and he could tell his story so vividly that sometimes I thought that he used this job for therapeutic reasons. The royalist ex-prisoner had been in prison for sixteen years and tried to tell his side of the story more objectively.

I think the whole group will agree with me: there was still so much pain and anger in these men and in these streets. Suddenly all the images I had seen on television, as a child, revived. They made me sick and sad. I saw the bombs and fire and innocent people fleeing from their houses. And last Sunday I saw on every corner of the street plaquets on the doors of the houses in memory of the victims. I tried to relate to people in Northern Ireland who lost loved ones, about the madness, the pain, the sadness and the emptiness.

A lot of Europeans (and the rest of the world) probably don't know that the wall is still there. I am curious when this wall will ever be removed. Reports tell us that trust and social cohesion in Northern Ireland are now stronger than they have been for a long time. But we felt something else. While we were walking there an Irish man made the comment that the wall was not high enough. And that is exactly what we felt too: that it only needs just one argument, one point of discussion to start a whole new war. For us, the Irish conflict is already history, but for the people in Belfast still so fresh.

The troubles in Northern Ireland started fourty years ago and probably it will take double the amount of time to heal the pain.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Businessbabes

I don't know about you but I LOVE lists! TOP 500 richest people in the world, top 100 most sexy men or Top 50 most powerful women in the world. In the summer of 2006 for my magazine SEN I made my first Top-list. It was the top 10 of most powerful muslimwomen. Everybody was surprised about that. Not only because of the idea of such a list (why not?) but also because a lot of people didn't expect to put muslim women in that order and in such context. It was a surprising article. Last weekend The Financial Times came up with a women issue AND of course a list: The top women in world business. Surprising results for European women: only 15 women are from, what we call, the most emancipated continent in the world. Well, that doesn't count for this list. The only Dutch name I could see was of Wolters Kluwer, the media company led by an American (and not Dutch!) woman Nancy McKinstry. So, no Dutch names on this list. To me, as a Turkish girl, it was very nice to read that the fifth businessbabe was a Turkish woman, Guler Sabanci.She was also on my list in 2006 and it's nice to know that Turkish businesspower is in the hands of a woman. It shouldn't be a surprise, as the article is written by an American magazine, that the list counted 16 American chief executives. The rest of the Financial Times's ranking of the world's 50 most powerful and succesful businessgirls consisted of..of course you already guessed: Chinese, Indian and Singaporese women.
The article explains how the rankings were judged and I assume that the writer did profound research. For European women, and especially the Dutch, who still prefer working parttime, this should be the main evidence that as long as men rule business and politics, we as women have no power at all. The key solution remains that we should work more and harder to get key-positions. Probably (and most likely) my message will not be heard, as it is the case for decades. Just like other feminists have been doing half a century, I will still be talking to 'dovemansoren'.(translation in English: 'deafman's ears').

Friday, September 11, 2009

Fair play

I hoped that I would never write about this topic again, but since it's hot topic, I can't stay behind and watch it all coming over me..It's all about this piece of cotton..

Yes, since two weeks the headscarf-issue is back in Europe again. It started with the demonstration of Belgian women who were against the ban of the headscarf at their University. But unlucky for them, The Belgian newspaper De Standaard writes today that the General Council for Schools has forbidden the headscarf.

And because Holland is not really far away from Belgium (we call Belgium sometimes our backyard), since a week we have the same debates and discussions. The chair of the left green party Groen Links, Femke Halsema, said in an interview, that even though she is a liberal socialist and stands for freedom of religion, she wished that fewer women would wear the veil.

Hundreds of Dutch people reacted on this interview and one of them is Mrs. Bennema. She is furious about what the left politician Halsema had said. How on earth could she think that muslim women who wear headscarfs are suppressed and wear this veil unvoluntarily. Out of solidarity she suggested in the online version of the daily newspaper Trouw that we would all wear the veil for a day.

Well, my reaction is:

I sure believe that a lot of women wear their headscarves because it's their own choice. And I want to show that I respect them. So, I am ready to wear a veil for one day but only if they want to take off their veil, also for a day. Just out of solidarity. Fair play, not?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Shame

I have lived in the Netherlands for more than thirty years but never lost my interest in the political issues in Turkey. Especially lately I try to follow the developments regarding women’s issues, emancipation but also radicalization.

And what I hear and read lately doesn’t comfort me at all.

It started with the news about the two youngsters being hit by a IETT busdriver while they were heading home from school. Let me get clear that IETT is the public transportation company of Istanbul. The two young people, a 17 year old boy and his girlfriend were sitting next to each other in the bus and the guy had put his head on the girl’s chest. Obviously they were in love and expressed this. What is more beautiful than to see two young people in love? Can you see any harmness in this? I can’t.
But these youngsters were being observed by the busdriver, who probably didn’t like what he saw in his mirror. Instead of trying to drive safe and clear, he decided that he couldn’t allow the behaviour of these youngsters in the bus. So he stopped the bus (which was full at that time) and walked towards the young boy and girl. He smashed with naked hand the boy and shouted at him:’This is not the place to make love, you understand me?’.

If I would be sitting in that bus, I would be FURIOUS! FURIOUS! FURIOUS!
Which right does this stranger think he has to hit a boy who was just being in love? He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was respectful, he didn’t damage anybody or anything, didn’t he? And he is old enough to be in love and decide what to do with his girlfriend.

Lucky for me (and those who share my opinion), there was a very brave advocate sitting in the bus. She stood up and said to the busdriver that he didn’t have any right to hit the young man. Nor did he have the right to tell them what was decent about their behaviour. The driver said that he didn’t allow this kind of behaviour in HIS bus (again: it’s not his bus, it’s the public’s) and that they can complaint at the terminal. The advocate immediately directed to the young couple that she would help them, for free, but she could only do that if they would lodge a complaint against him for molestation.

I know she has the best intentions, but she could have known that they would never do that. These young people probably considered the bus the only safe place where they could probably be together without being seen by their parents or their family. If they would charge the busdriver, everybody in Turkey would know about their relationship. So, the chances that they would lodge a complaint against the busdriver was practically ZERO.

The advocate sent a letter to the City Council of Istanbul to explain the situation. And that she would never accept the fact that there will be some ‘moral police’ in the public transports of Istanbul. She also sent this letter to a well-known columnist, Ece Temelkuran. Temelkuran, which I consider as one of Turkey’s best journalists, published the letter in her daily column in Milliyet. In the column she and the advocate called for the young people to get in touch with them, so they could fight for justice.

As I said earlier, the boy or the girl never responded (Zero remains Zero), because they were afraid. So now they were not only afraid for their parents, but they were also being terrorised by some strange people who had nothing to do with them.

I always said to myself, that I would NEVER EVER allow other people than my own parents to tell me what to do and how to behave. Let alone, a busdriver of the IETT.
It’s a big shame that this is happening in Turkey. And I am afraid this will not be the last time. But it also gives me hope when I hear that there are people like the advocate and the journalist who will always protect our secular system.

I pray to God that Turkey will not become a foreign territory for me.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

UT students

Today I felt a little bit tired, so I layed down. As a woman with mediterranean roots it's very normal to have some siesta. Fortyfive minutes later I got up, still tired and a little bit depressed, that's how I feel always after a quick nap. And everytime I say to myself I shouldn't be sleeping during daytime anymore.. But something made me very happy when I got up. I walked to the front door as I could see my mail was delivered. There were two big envelopes, both of them orange brown. I recognized these envelopes, they were from the University of Texas.
You can imagine how curious I got, and nothing of my fatigue was left.. So I opened the envelopes immediately which were full with letters of the students to whom I had a reading for. One by one, they were so touching. I didn't know that I had made such an impact on them. Most of the letters were written by female students, only one was sent by a male student. It touched me, because it made me realize that stories really don't have boundaries. And I was touched by two more things: that the students took the time to send me a letter. And the second thing was that the UT took the effort to send the letters to me. I want to share these letters with you. Just to prove that people all around the world need rolemodels, no matter where they come from. It's beautiful to realize how much we can identify ourselves in people we are separated from. Even if it's thousands of miles away..

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Guys Talk

I was just zapping between tv-networks till I saw on the Turkish TRT two interesting men sitting on a terrace-garden talking together, very easily about music. I had never seen this on Dutch television: two guys talking about music. About how they made music, but more also about how they experienced it. They were not ordinary guys but renowned Turkish musicians. One was Kerem Gorsev, a jazz pianist from Istanbul. The other guy was Burhan Ocal, a percussionist, who was also the host of the talkshow.

What made me just watch them and stop zapping was this fascinating chemics between these two guys. Once again, I had never seen this on Dutch tv, it was new to me..Both of the men were hyperactive, or probably it always seems like that with Turkish people talking. Turkish language is a very fast language and when people are enthousiastic about their own work they talk even faster. The smile on the face of Kerem Gorsev was contagious, I kept smiling at him while he was chatting with his fellow musician. Him, Burhan Ocal, was more the type of Lyle Lovett, he looked very interesting.

What made the interview very fascinating was how they talked to each other, their interaction with each other. The best moment was when Kerem Gorsev, the jazz pianist, told about his new production which would be released in 2011. He explained why it would take so long, which is (according to me) very normal for cd's. But the reaction of the tv-host was GORGEOUS.. He said: I have to finish my cd by the end of this year. The producer is waiting for it, but I really don't know how to manage this.. And while he was saying this, you could see him really worrying. How his guest, Kerem Gorsev, reacted, I really don't know.. because I was still thinking about this worrying tv-host...

But to me this was GREAT TV! These guys were having a wonderful conversation together and by now and then they forgot the cameras were on. For me, as a girl, it was the first time I could witness an ordinary 'guys talk'. Beautiful!! If it's going to be on youtube, I will definitely let you know. Because everybody should see it.

More information about Kerem Gorsev: http://www.keremgorsev.com/bio-e.htm
More information about Burhan Ocal: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burhan_%C3%96%C3%A7al

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Even after all that way (part 2)

Two months ago I wrote the first part of Even after all that way, about my decision to leave my partner for a while and live in the US. I hope you found it interesting enough. The next few weeks you can find a follow-up:

I couldn't think of any problem. But I think people are confused about my relationship: my fiance and I have been together for more than seven years and we still don't live together. Don't know why, not that we didn't want to, but after so many years, for us this is OK. He has a career, I have mine. But above all, I have also a kid. And Hakan and I are happy living together. That's why we live apart. Call it fear of losing your own space. Or losing your own 'life'? Maybe we are afraid of total commitment. Maybe we love our lifes so much. I don't know and I don't care. But it's certainly easy when you have to make decisions like this. Most of the women can't leave their homes because they are 'responsible' for their family. I am too, but I prefer being responsible for my child and myself (and a career!)So for now, I was not responsible for a whole family, so my fiance's daily life was not going to be 'disorganized'. Some people don't dare to ask, but I hear them thinking: are they monogamous? Well, it's not their business, but yes, it made me thinking that, call it again my naivitity, I asked myself: Wouldn't he start an affair with somebody if I live in the US, just because of the sex? Will a long distance relationship create more chance on cheating each other? Probably..but does just being there guarantee that he won't have an affair? It's not something you can control. And if he wants to do something like that, wouldn't he be doing it any way? And by the way, I don't have time to control him. Who does these days?

He will be happy for me. I know for sure. Or not? How do I start?

'Honey, I have to tell you something.'

We talked. And yes, it was a big deal. Holy sh.. Eight months! But he was very happy and proud of me!

I emailed another friend of mine with the same news. According to her, men are supposed to protest when their wives relocate, even when it's for a limited period of time. I know Danielle since we were twentyfive – she was working as a make-up artist all over the world, every season she came back from exotic places with the fanciest stories about being cosmopolite and never wanting to end up in one place. Untill she found her Romeo and got stuck with him and their twins in a two bedroom apartment in Milan. She suggested that I think over my relationship with him. “Does this man really love you?” is what she said. “If he does, why would he let you go for so long?” Oops, could that be true? So this means he doesn't love me?

One by one I had to face with 'the' obstacles. I better start with the one I am responsible of. I call him 'my tail', wherever I go, he comes with me.

My son was ten. Which was supposed to be 'old enough' to understand what was happening. But if I had to believe my friends, I could expect some trouble.

And how do you do that? Tell a ten-year-old that he will be living for a while in another country. 6000 miles away, with nobody he knows, no father, no friends, no family, except for his mother? How did Obama's mother tell Barack she was leaving for a while? It's not exactly the same because I take him with me, but for a boy it's a radical change.

'Hakan, are you ready for an adventure?' I asked my son before going to bed on an early September evening.

'Do you mean I may go snowboarding this year?' he said, remembering me telling him that.

'No, I mean rrreal adventure. Would you like to live in another city, another country in another continent?' I asked carefully.

He looked excited. His eyes were shining.

'Mama has to work overseas for a while and you're coming with her'.

And there it was, all of a sudden, he showed this look which has been there all his young life. Trust. Confidence. That it's O.K.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Filiz and Zeyno

Today was a very special day. It made me again realize where I get my inspiration from. People constantly ask me how I find the time for the things I do, in combination with the care of a child. Well, I can tell you that the best fuel for me is meeting other women. I love women. Yes I do. They insprire me so much. I like to look at them, listen to them, eat with them, dance with them. Sometimes I even think that I don't even need a man in my life. But please don't get me wrong, I am still in love with my fiance..

But back to today.. Filiz Odabas and Zeyno Baran..Both Turkish women living in Washington for almost their entire worklife. Filiz is the US executive director of the International Association of Human Values and director of Governmental Relations of Art of Living Foundation. I met her two years ago at a house of my girlfriend in Istanbul. Filiz invited me today for her monthly Middle Eastern Breakfast Club which they have at Four Seasons Hotel in Washington. It's a group of very distinctive, influential and diverse people with common interest in the development of the Middle Eastern Area. Filiz thought the group might be interested in what I have to say about mediterranean women. So, we had an interesting talk about the position of migrants in Europe, Iran, but also about the latest developments in China. And not to forget to mention: the breakfast was great! I had, again, my blueberry pancakes.

Afterwards Filiz took me to her office, which is the Art of Living Centre in Washington. They had recently renovated the former Italian embassy, in a tremendous old style four floor villa/mansion, probably dated from the thirties of the twentieth century. I love old buildings with wide marble halls, fireplaces, high ceilings and wooden parquet floors, It should be so nice to be meditating in such a fine place. While Filiz was guiding me through the building, I noticed, and that surprised me, there were very many young people attending these breathing- and yoga classes. Youngsters from America, middle and high-class (I could tell when seeing the Louis Vuitton suitcases in the dorms) were here together. It made me happy to see that youngsters were there in so much peace.. I have to admit that I was a little bit jealous of Filiz who is fortunate to work there every day..

Later, Filiz took me to lunch with a friend of hers, Zeyno Baran. Her name didn't sound strange to me, but I could not really remember where from. And then, when I saw her, I knew it. I had met her at the conference of the American Embassy. Zeyno works for the Hudson Institute, a renowned thinkthank in Washington, where she is the director of Eurasian Affairs. She started to talk about the two books she is writing on and while she was doing that I could see myself sitting there. We had similarities all over; our ambitions and our goals were almost exactly the same. She is a very independent thinker and is not afraid to tell her view. She takes initiatives and starts projects all over the world which make her travel much. But most of all she thinks about life. She thinks why she does things and how she can make a change. And she uses her position to make the change. I felt connected. Her latest project which she just ended is a book titled 'The other muslims'. About ten young muslims who were about to radicalize but decided not to. And that story is very fascinating. We know by know all the reasons and arguments why young muslims radicalize, but what made these people change their mind? I know I will be the first one to buy her book.

Thank you so much Filiz and Zeyno for this inspirational day!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Marisol

My dear dear readers,

Today I woke up and, as always the first thing I do (I know it's wrong, but I can't help it!) is look for my Blackberry. I am always happy to receive an email of a friend. This one was from my dearest friend Marisol. And I can't believe it myself when I say that you CAN be friends forever with somebody whom you have known only for seven months. Yes, you can!!!

And luckily, we have FACEBOOK!!! Wow, I want to say to the people who invented FACEBOOK: Thank you so much. This is a way I can keep my friends very near with me.
But back to my happiness when I receive an email. Marisol sent me an email on this sad morning and it made me very happy. That's why I want to share this with you. And of course, feel free to forward it. Thank you Marisol.
Besos,
Senay

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:


1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone and everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Remember, friends are the family we choose for ourselves.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

First baby

When’s the best time to have a baby? It’s a question many women ask themselves, and to which they find a wide diversity of answers. American women have their first baby when they are 25 (a way much better compared to 1970 when the average age was 21.4 years!)

This 'aging', becoming an older mother, is a global movement. For instance in Europe the average age of women becoming for the first time a mother is higher: 29! Which makes me very mediocre, because I was 29 years old too when I gave birth to my son. Like my fellow-late-mothers, I had a lot of reasons to compete with my biological clock, but career (and financial reasons), finding the right partner and self-development were the most important reasons of my delay.

Still, many don't agree with that. I have had so many discussions with people saying that it's not healthy for women to have their first baby at that age (which is not true because also in the old days, women had babies when they were over forty!) And people telling me that babies are healthier if they are deliverde by women in their most fertile periods, which is when they are 23 years old. As if Britney Spears and Jessica Alba are better mothers than Michelle Obama or Hillary Clinton?

For me 'being fertile' doesn't always mean 'capable' of becoming a mother. With my experience in life, and the self-esteem I built through these years, I think I am a good mother, at least I am trying to be.

Which is in my opinion the biggest difference between younger and older mothers: the young ones take it for granted that they just had a baby. It is all natural.. The older ones think about the steps in their lifes continuously and decide very conscious what they want.

In her book Ready professor Elizabeth Gregory* gave me the confirmation. I went to her lecture here at the University of Texas. One of the results of her book was that women 'who embrace later motherhood' are healthier and live longer. The biggest reason for that is of course that women who have their first baby at an older age, are higher educated, have better salaries and thus have better access to health care. We all know that their children will always profit from that.

*(Elizabeth Gregory is Professor of English and Director of the Women's Studies Program at the University of Houston. She blogs about modern motherhood and women's work on the Huffington Post and
http://www.readymoms.com.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Michael Jackson

When I think of Michael Jackson
I think of my little sister Sonay.
She always sang his songs.
And danced on his music.
She was his fan.

Through her I got to know his music.
I remember her school calendar, with Michael Jackson on the cover.
Those days they were really popular.
And everybody bought the calendar with his favourite artist.
I was more a fan of Duran Duran.
As a teenager I was in love with Simon le Bon..

I wonder whether she still has her calendar.
She should be looking for it. Well, I would!

I talked to her on the phone today..
6000 miles away from each other
We were crying for a man we had never met.

He died a day before her own birthday
It hurt her, and she couldn't enjoy her party.

Today, with his memorial in LA, she was hurt even more.
It was not only about Michael Jackson

Although he made beautiful songs.
You cheered, you laughed, you cried
You felt sad, you felt in love
All of this feelings you felt MORE with his songs.

That's why she cried I thought
Because he gave so much
Too much for a person to give in one life

Yes, she cried for Michael Jackson
But she was also crying for our mother.
My mother died young.
Michael Jackson died young.

'I don't cry for him' my sister said.
'I cry for his children. They will always miss him'.

Now I know why we were crying today.

We felt again our own pain.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Sexy drama

One week to go and then my first book will be published. I mean, it will be there, in the stores. In Holland and Belgium. Hopefully in other countries too, but this is enough for me right now. I don't know what other beginning authors do, but I am getting quite nervous. Well, maybe that's not the exact word either. I get excited. Hyperactive. Crazy. And frustrated. Is the book okay? Will people understand what I am trying to say? What was again the message? Do I have one? What will the reviews be like? Will they let me know when it's bad or will they just publish it? Oh, my God, why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just be happy with a 9 to 5 job and get home and cook a dinner and watch tv? Why do I always have to start something new? Why? I don't know! It's just there! The ideas in my head just don't stop! With the years, it gets worse!

Am I the only one with this problem? What do other authors do when their book is about to be published? Are they already writing their next book? Or are they having a vacation? Or both (like my friend Gaellen Quinn who is writing her second novel in Hawaii!). What are their expectations? Are they happy about the results? Oh,that might be my next project: starting a 'beginners authors club'. So we can share our feelings, emotions, experiences and even promote each others work (why not?).

It's not that I have been sitting and doing nothing because of my hypernervousness. No, I have been working on the website of my book (which is nowadays of course a must - details will follow later when the Site is ready), I have been thinking about the bookpresentation (it's going to be awesome!) and of course working on the PR of my book (emailing friends and colleagues asking them to read my book). And that's going to be the most difficult part for me. Because when we sent my book to the printer, I realized how vulnerable I had made myself. I felt naked. I had put my soul in this book. I had given all my time and energy on it. The stories, the dreams, the conversations and the confessions of my friends and all the people I have been following for the last couple of years.

Because that's what my book is about. About women's confessions. By Mediterranean women. They are not bizar nor unbelievable. No drama. The critics won't like that, they love drama, especially when it's associated with migrant or Mediterranean women. We already read a lot about forced marriages, famele genital mutilations and honor killings. Which is good. But we tend to forget that the majority of these women lead normal lives. They are strong, powerful, energetic and emancipated women. In my novel no ESCAPEE or VICTIM characters. Mediterranean women can be powerful without losing their own identity. They can be proud of their own culture as they can be proud of their new adapted Western culture. The smart ones use the better components of both of the cultures. And that's what my novel is about: about cultural savvy Mediterranean women living in a Western World.

I don't know whether my novel will be the first (I can't read all novels in the world) but critics have to get used to a new era of Mediterranean chick-lit. Next to their career and ambition, it will be topics as sex, men and relationships which will keep them most busy. That's the price of emancipation: the more independent you get, the harder it gets to find the right partner. Can we say that's drama? Not in the traditional sense. It's new drama. Sexy drama.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Anti-abortion terrorism

Today I am shocked by the news that abortion doctor George Tiller is killed (http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-tiller1-2009jun01,0,7068875.story); He was one of the few American physicians who performed late-term abortions.

Not that I knew him. But..I had to think about my visit in 2007 to one of the most inspiring women in my life, Sarah Weddington (http://www.weddingtoncenter.com/). Then, I had a meeting with her in her office in Austin, Texas, to talk about women's rights in America. She is an American attorney and lecturer who gained world-wide fame with the Roe versus Wade case. Roe versus Wade is the historic Supreme Court decision overturning a Texas interpretation of abortion law and making abortion legal in the United States. The Roe v. Wade decision held that a woman, with her doctor, could choose abortion in earlier months of pregnancy without restriction, and with restrictions in later months, based on the right to privacy. With this case she was the youngest person to win a Supreme Court case (the highest court in the United States).

As a young female attorney, Sarah Weddington had to convince 11 male jury members of the Supreme Court that the most abortionlaws of the United States were unlawful because they were in contradiction with the constitution. She won the case, which was the beginning of the liberation of thousands of women in Texas and the United States to decide about their own body, life and future.

While I was in her office I had the privilege to speak with this wonderful woman, who has also been a succesfull politician and political advisor to Carter-registration (let me give you one detail: in the hallway she showed me her pictures, which one of them, dated on 1977, was very interesting: she stands next to president Carter with a very very young Bill and Hillary Clinton on the background).

Her office was full with papers and books and she talked in detail about this landmark decision about the abortionlaw. That she got letters from women around the US to thank her for the new law. But sadly, she also mentioned that some anti-abortion activists threatened her.. So, maybe now you understand, when I got the newsheadlines today on my Blackberry, I didn't dare to read the article. There was a possibility that it could be Sarah and I was terrified!

Having this said, the killing of doctor Tiller is not less terrifying.. Every form of terrorism should vanish forever. Every victim of terrorism could be you..

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Will this ever end?

If I compare my life in Austin with the life I led in Holland, I could say that it's much more simple. What do I mean with that? Well, here everybody lives more outside! And I know of myself that if I am outside, under the blue sky, with the sun shining on me, life looks better and I just want to lead the good life. I don't want to be confronted with heavy world issues. And if I do (for my job as a journalist of course I can't avoid that!) I experience it much more different than whenever I am in Holland, sitting at home, reading the newspaper inside out, listening to the radio all day hearing intellectuals discussing all these problems. No, I don't do that in Austin. I even noticed that I react different on very serious news issues like today on the news that four muslim men were planting bombs in New York synagoge, and this feeling was new to me.
But whenever friends from Holland kept me sending messages about it I couldn't deny it and surfed on internet to learn more about it.

I want to share with you all a beautiful personal letter of a member of the Muslims for Progressive Values, founded by a friend of mine from LA. Sam Aboelela exactly says how I feel about this shocking and saddening news.

Dear friends,

I'm sitting in Cairo now as I write this letter, at the home of relatives with whom I was reunited yesterday after nearly a decade of separation. I went to sleep last night with a feeling of peace that I haven't felt in a long time and woke early this morning to the sound of the Azhan, the Islamic call to prayer, as it sung its way across the neighborhood and through the open window over my bed.

But as I was sharing hugs with my Muslim family here in Egypt, four very disturbed Muslim men were planting bombs in an effort to tear apart Jewish families in New York. Early news reports suggest that these men were "upset about the war in Afghanistan," so with a deranged rationale of misanthropic nihilism they somehow concluded that planting bombs in front of two Bronx synagogues and recreating the atmosphere of bloodshed, fear, and loss we experienced during and after 9/11 would provide some personal cathartic release.

I want my friends in the New York Jewish community to know how deeply I sympathize with the emotional anguish that is sure to pervade in the wake of this failed plot. While we're all concerned for the well-being of our families in this period of economic insecurity, none of us should carry the additional burden of being potential targets of violent acts of hate and terror. You have no idea how relieved I am that you are all safe from the will of these would-be terrorists and how concerned I am for your (and our collective) ongoing health and safety.

In all honesty, it is times like these that I wish Islam had some mechanism for excommunication. I wish that my non-Muslim friends and acquaintances would see me, my family, my Muslim friends, and the American Muslim community as representative of Islam rather than the headline-grabbing sociopaths who act in our name. I'm so sick of finding myself ashamed of something I didn't do, by someone I do not know, with motives I do not share, against people for whom I care.

Please know that you are not alone in the shock of this news... that good everyday people whom you have never met, and will likely never meet, as far away as Egypt are also distressed by this story. My thoughts and their thoughts are with you. My prayers and their prayers are for you.

Peace,
Sammer Aboelela



About Muslims for Progressive ValuesMuslims for Progressive Values (MPV) seeks to bring together progressive Muslims and friends who share their values to work for a more humane world. We welcome all who are interested in discussing, promoting and working for the implementation of progressive values - social justice, human rights, economic opportunity, and separation of church and state - as well as tolerant and inclusive understandings of Islam.

Monday, May 18, 2009

My birthdayparty in America

Today is my birthday which I celebrate for the first time in the USA. And I can guarantee you that it's quite different than in The Netherlands. My American girlfriends said that they would arrange a birthday party for me. In Holland, you arrange your birthday yourself...which doesn't make any sense..
because it is much nicer being pampered on your own birthday..

My friends told me to come at 6.30 pm to one of the Mexican Restaurants, Sago, which was near my house, so I could walk. So, I put on my new dress which I bought exceptionally for this day, a beautiful blue Cavalli summerdress. I put on my make up and dressed my hair a little bit wilder than normal. Nothing wrong with that: it's my birthday! On my snakeskinned Gucci pumps I walked to the restaurant and it felt really like I was Carrie Bradshaw: I felt very glamorous, particularly when I looked at my diamond ring which I got from my beloved one the other day. An antique (1920's) yellow and white gold diamond cocktail ring. It has nineteen round brilliant cut diamonds, each set in a four prong white gold head, in a waterfall style.

I arrived at the restaurant. One part of it is called the 'love-suite', which has pink walls and voile curtains. There my friends were waiting for me with balloons.. Melita, Marisol, Jenny, Khotan, Rachel, Neyssan, Leila, Monte, Ron, Linda and her beautiful daughter Asha to whom I asked how old she was and she answered: 'I am exactly four and three quarters'. We had a wonderful dinner together and I was overruled by beautiful presents, and the birthday cake which was, of course, specially made for me.

Everything was brilliant, my friends and the setting, but most of all the different experience of not having organized my own birthdayparty. The only thing I had to do was set the date and forward a couple of emailaddresses to Melita who organized all of this. I even didn't have to pay for anything! They just didn't let me. I just could enjoy every minute of my birthday, which I did.

I think I am going to introduce this way of celebrating birthdays in Holland. I can't imagine there will be people who will have objections to it. I can't imagine why..

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Even after all that way (part 1)

“He, I've got news! I am going to work abroad” I said to Ellen, one of my girlfriends who had been single almost all her life. 'What? What do you mean?' she responded. 'I am going to work at a University in the US” I explained. 'What about your son? she asked. 'Of course he is coming with me' I said very confident. 'And your fiance?' she asked. 'What about him?'
'What - does - he - say? She asked with very clear pauses between the sentences as if she already had an answer. 'I don't know, I haven't told him yet' I said.
'Are you afraid that he will disapprove?" She asked, again with a certain voice I didn't recognize in her. 'No, I don't think he'll disapprove, but..''
"But he won't certainly like it" Ellen answered for me.
It was silent on both sides of the phone. I couldn't understand why she reacted this way. And I think my friends' brains couldn't gather the information all together.
Overseas. Child. Father. Ex. Career. Love.
But more likely, she probably didn't know what to think of it. I thought that maybe she would be worried about our friendship and said to comfort her: 'Don't worry, it's only for eight months!'. 'Eight months?!!' she yelled, continuing: 'And what does your ex think about this?' as if the worldpanic broke out. 'Well, what can he say?' I sounded naieve..but not because I didn't think about his rights as a father, but just because of my girlfriend's reaction. And then, as if she realized she had been negative all the time, she put her things together and tried to end it in a positive way: 'Well, it sounds like fun'..with somewhat hesitation in her voice.. 'If you really go'.

Yeah. Sure. If I really go..

This questioning was going to be the first one in a whole line. I didn't quite understand. What was wrong with what I was planning? No personal internal conflicts made me take this 'huge' decision. I was not in a pre-midlife crisis or depressed or whatsoever, so I it was going to be a balanced decision. But 'the others' made me fear my move: my son would react badly, it would cause fights with his father because of the distance, and the separation from my partner might be bad for my love relationship. People immigrate daily and start new lives. What is so difficult about living eight months overseas? It's also overseeable. Was there anything I had to worry about?

To be continued...

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Shirin Ebadi

Tell me, how often does someone get the chance to meet a Nobelprize winner? And how often do you get the chance to meet a female Nobelprize winner? Let's make it more complicated. Tell me what the chance is you can meet a female muslim Nobelprize winner?

Yes, you got it right: next week I will meet Shirin Ebadi. The Center for Women's and Gender Studies of the University of Texas, has invited this extraordinary and courageous woman. She is an Iranian lawyer, human rights activist and founder of the Association for Support of Children's Rights in Iran. In 2003 she was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, becoming the first Iranian and the first Mulsim woman to receive the prize.

I am so excited about it and sometimes I even hesitate what question I want to ask her, since I have so many things to ask her. And I am sure there will be a lot of other people wanting to talk to her. Let me think about it...I will definitely come back with a report about this wonderful woman's visit...

Monday, April 20, 2009

Why I could live in the US (Final)


A friend from Austin invited me over to have breakfast together. We went to a typical American diner. I ordered short stack blueberry pancakes. The waiter asked whether I wanted french fries with it or mashed potatoes with cheese. I was surprised to have these options. My friend ordered a taco-dish (complete, with rice and beans at 8 a.m.!). I haven't seen this happening in my entire life in The Netherlands, where everybody eats only two wheat sandwiches with peanutbutter, cheese or jelly. If you order something else in the morning or during lunch, it is obvious that you are coming from 'somewhere else'. Because I remember my Dutch friend looking very surprised when I told her that sometimes my mother baked potatoes for us in the weekend for breakfast. It was delicious..Americans understand that..

The climate

Millions of migrants in Europe come from warm sea-climate countries. Most of them in The Netherlands, Belgium and France come from a mediterranean culture. When I started my magazine I defined this with the new term 'olive-oil culture'. This 'olive-oil' lifestyle is all about enjoying life to the full – through meals and friends, finding a balance between work and relaxation. It is the blue sky and sea, the typical cream coloured houses and the unfinished roads where most of the times traffic is a disorganized thing. Like in Turkey, also in America people live this way. Day by day.

The distance between the Turkish lifestyle and American lifestyle differs much less than with the European lifestyle. That I can tell for sure after living here for months.
We always talk about integration policies without really examining why some people feel right away at home and some do not. But everybody will agree with me that it is easier to adapt oneself to a new country where more similarities are than with no similarities at all. And of course, Europe can not change its climate and transform into an other lifestyle,that is not what I plead for. I only say that these psychological issues shouldn't be easily passed by.

Why I still feel home in the US (Part 5)


Social life in Turkey also shows much resemblance with the US. People like to come together with relatives or friends, without excluding anyone. ‘The more the merrier’ goes for both countries. When I am in Turkey and call a friend to make an appointment, he or she is always happy to invite me over for lunch or dinner, even if this means completely rescheduling their plans. And I can always join her with her other appointment. I haven't had so many invitations for parties in the Netherlands as I have now in America. I think this reflects a general understanding in both societies that people need each other and are dependent on one-another. I highly value this sense of community and was happy to discover that Americans have the same basic attitude as Turks.


Double standards

When visiting Turkey, I never understand how it is possible to find so many magazines with women in tiny bikinis in a country with so many Muslims. Not only tabloids but serious daily newspapers like Hurriyet and Milliyet as well are filled with photos that could be called ‘indecent’ from a religious perspective. And on closer look, you see many more examples in Turkey of phenomena that seem to be in flagrant contradiction with Islamic values. Two of the biggest 'billion dollar' artists are transsexuals, some famous artists are gay. Everybody knows this, but nobody talks about it. As if it’s not a serious issue, as long as it doesn’t happen in your own backyard.
I see this same hypocrisy in the US. It was quite a shock to me to realize that the US is in some aspects much less liberal than e.g. the Netherlands. During my classes in university I found that it is very difficult to talk about sex in public (which sometimes you have to do as an owner of a woman's magazine)– even if it’s in a learning environment – that I would have though judging the omnipresence of sexually loaded messages in the media. Although this is the county of pop stars like Madonna, Beyonce and Britney Spears, and soap series like Dallas and Sex and the City, sex is a no go area in discussions. Just like in Turkey, everyone knows what is happening, but rather not talks about it. What’s normal on television, in magazines and on billboards, is still a taboo in private life. Can you imagine how difficult the 'change' must be for a Turkish girl in her house where it is a taboo to talk about certain subjects which are seen as 'normal' in her Dutch surroundings as school, work or friendship?

Why I think US and Turkey have similarities (Part 4)


Turkey and the US both invest huge sums of money in their armies and have large numbers of recruits every year. In Turkey military service is compulsory, in the US it’s like a ‘voluntary’ obligation: when your country ‘needs you’ you join the army. On the other hand, the army gives good career perspectives. In contrast to European countries, being a soldier is something you are respected for and certainly not something to be ashamed of. As a result of this, the army has much more power than it has in Europe. Both in Turkey and in the US, the army directly or indirectly influences politics, economy and even everyday life. It is very normal to see soldiers walking to get their coffee in Starbucks, or to see them driving in a Turkish bus to go home.

Big Spenders

The Turkish attitude towards money very much resembles the American mentality of “keeping the money moving”. Turks love to spend money as much as Americans do, and just like them they know that when you don’t have enough money to fulfill your wishes, it’s much more gratifying to buy on credit than to cut your coat according to your cloth. I think Turks and Americans are the only people in the world who will go on vacation with borrowed money. A few years ago, when I saw advertisements in Turkish newspapers to encourage people to book a vacation trip on credit and pay for it in monthly installments, I just couldn’t believe my eyes. But here in America, I see the same thing happening. It is as though people’s wealth doesn’t depend on how much money they have, but on how much money they can borrow (although we all know where this ends…).
In many Western European countries it’s quite the opposite and most people have an aversion towards risk, to such extent that they’d rather spend their vacation bonus on “something useful” like a new kitchen or a bathroom. Or they’d even put it in a savings account “for a rainy day” instead of flying to the sun! Such cowards, those Europeans…
Another resemblance between the US and Turkey is that in both countries money makes the mans: the wealthier you are, the bigger your house, the more expensive your car, the more esteem you get. When you’re wealthy, you’ve got to show it instead of hiding it. And if you’re not so well off, you can always pretend – on credit! In Turkey and America rich people get respected. In Europe you'd better not show that you have money.

Why I still feel home in US (Part 3)


In Turkey every school week starts with a solemn ceremony: all the children assemble in the school’s courtyard to sing the national anthem. Sounds familiar? Then you can imagine how surprised I was when I accompany my ten-year-old son to the public elementary school in Austin. All children assemble in the school’s cafeteria to sing the national anthem, with their hand on their heart. After that, they also sing the anthem of the state of Texas, again with their hand on their heart. In the Netherlands, this would certainly be considered as an act of extreme nationalism. But for me it felt as though I had gone back to my school days in Turkey, thirty-four years back in time. And still, this was America, the year 2009!
In regard to the education of children, there are more resemblances between the US and Turkey. To give yet another striking example: in America, every school week begins with an act of good behavior, such as promise of honesty, integrity, and respect – exactly the same concepts as Mustafa Kemal Atatürk, founder of the Republic of Turkey, prescribed as the foundation of the moral education of Turkish children, which is taught still nowadays.

Fierce work-mentality

Americans are hard workers. They work at least nine hours a day, six days a week on average. In Turkey, the work-mentality is the comparable. When you have a job, you just work it, without nagging about ergonomics, interior climate or tight vacation schemes. Two weeks off a year is normal for both countries. Both in Turkey and the US I have seen office spaces that would incite workers from Europe to immediately run to their union. Somebody from Holland would go directly to complain about the health and safety situation. Tiny, humid workspaces that looked more like closets than office rooms. Still, the people who work here accept this without complaint. Why? Because if they don’t accept it, somebody else will – and get their job. The situation of working women in both countries is comparable as well. In the US as well as in Turkey working women work as hard as men. There’s hardly any room for part-time work, unlike in Europe, where women claim the right to work part-time, but still want the same opportunities as people working full-time.

Why I felt home in US (part 2)

America may be generally regarded as the Land of Opportunities, and that is something which it should be proud of. Turkey is also the land of 'self-made man' (Istanbul is rated fourth worldwide with his billionaires) and at this moment even Europeans without Turkish roots are moving to Turkey to try their luck. Why?
The tremendous opportunities offered by both countries originate, in my eyes, in unequalled flexibility. Both in Turkey and the US you can experience this in all aspects of everyday life. Take traffic, for instance. Since I moved to Austin, I’ve become a frequent bus traveler. To go to the University (where I teach) I can take two buses - 1L and 101 - which both have their own itinerary and stops. The 1L line stops right across the street from where I am teaching, bus 101 stops further down the block. Sometimes I take the wrong bus, but when I ask the 101 driver to make an extra stop so I can get off where I want, that’s never a problem. Neither is it a problem when I take my coffee on the bus – officially it’s not allowed to take drinks or food in public transport, but nobody seems to care! In Turkey, you can experience the same. During a bus trip you can just ask the driver to stop wherever you want to get out, even if it’s not an official bus stop. Just a small example, but it illustrates the flexibility – or rather adaptability – that opens the way to great opportunities. I experienced another example of this flexibility when I rented my apartment. I was allowed to move in the day that I got in Austin, instead of having to pay from the first day of the month. As soon as I had my furniture installed, I called Time Warner Cable to ask them to connect me to cable and internet. They responded immediately and put me on-line the day after I called – even though this was a Sunday!
All this might seem insignificant, but the difference with many other countries is striking. In the Netherlands, where I lived before coming to the US, rules are much more adhered to – without exceptions! – and almost everything has to go according to a predefined plan. This inflexibility inevitably has an effect on the general mentality of people, blocking the way for opportunities and closing peoples’ eyes instead of opening them.
As migrants come from a total different structure, they are 'shocked' with this totally organized sytem in the Western European countries. It takes much more time to 'switch the button'.

Why I felt at home in US

Although Turkey is many miles from America, you might be surprised to discover how many things these countries have in common and how Turks integrate better in America than in any other European country.
Since I have been working in Austin, Texas, I will give you ten reasons why Turks integrate better in the American society than in a Western European society. I'l explain why I immediately felt at home when I set foot on American soil.


For instance the importance of religion.

Around the world, especially in Europe, the role of religion is rapidly declining. In the three months I have been living in Austin (the most liberal city in Texas!) I have seen more churches than I’ve ever seen in the thirty years in the Netherlands! This alone speaks volumes about the importance of religion in American life. Just like in America, people in Turkey expect you to be religious. Turks are expected to be a good Muslim, just like Americans are expected to be a good Christian. Calling yourself an ‘atheist' , which is the preference of any intellectual in The Netherlands to be well-integrated, is not really a recommendation in most circles. Here in Texas, I experienced that people react the same and they have more respect for people with a religion other than their own then for people with no religion at all.

To be continued..