Shame

I have lived in the Netherlands for more than thirty years but never lost my interest in the political issues in Turkey. Especially lately I try to follow the developments regarding women’s issues, emancipation but also radicalization.

And what I hear and read lately doesn’t comfort me at all.

It started with the news about the two youngsters being hit by a IETT busdriver while they were heading home from school. Let me get clear that IETT is the public transportation company of Istanbul. The two young people, a 17 year old boy and his girlfriend were sitting next to each other in the bus and the guy had put his head on the girl’s chest. Obviously they were in love and expressed this. What is more beautiful than to see two young people in love? Can you see any harmness in this? I can’t.
But these youngsters were being observed by the busdriver, who probably didn’t like what he saw in his mirror. Instead of trying to drive safe and clear, he decided that he couldn’t allow the behaviour of these youngsters in the bus. So he stopped the bus (which was full at that time) and walked towards the young boy and girl. He smashed with naked hand the boy and shouted at him:’This is not the place to make love, you understand me?’.

If I would be sitting in that bus, I would be FURIOUS! FURIOUS! FURIOUS!
Which right does this stranger think he has to hit a boy who was just being in love? He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was respectful, he didn’t damage anybody or anything, didn’t he? And he is old enough to be in love and decide what to do with his girlfriend.

Lucky for me (and those who share my opinion), there was a very brave advocate sitting in the bus. She stood up and said to the busdriver that he didn’t have any right to hit the young man. Nor did he have the right to tell them what was decent about their behaviour. The driver said that he didn’t allow this kind of behaviour in HIS bus (again: it’s not his bus, it’s the public’s) and that they can complaint at the terminal. The advocate immediately directed to the young couple that she would help them, for free, but she could only do that if they would lodge a complaint against him for molestation.

I know she has the best intentions, but she could have known that they would never do that. These young people probably considered the bus the only safe place where they could probably be together without being seen by their parents or their family. If they would charge the busdriver, everybody in Turkey would know about their relationship. So, the chances that they would lodge a complaint against the busdriver was practically ZERO.

The advocate sent a letter to the City Council of Istanbul to explain the situation. And that she would never accept the fact that there will be some ‘moral police’ in the public transports of Istanbul. She also sent this letter to a well-known columnist, Ece Temelkuran. Temelkuran, which I consider as one of Turkey’s best journalists, published the letter in her daily column in Milliyet. In the column she and the advocate called for the young people to get in touch with them, so they could fight for justice.

As I said earlier, the boy or the girl never responded (Zero remains Zero), because they were afraid. So now they were not only afraid for their parents, but they were also being terrorised by some strange people who had nothing to do with them.

I always said to myself, that I would NEVER EVER allow other people than my own parents to tell me what to do and how to behave. Let alone, a busdriver of the IETT.
It’s a big shame that this is happening in Turkey. And I am afraid this will not be the last time. But it also gives me hope when I hear that there are people like the advocate and the journalist who will always protect our secular system.

I pray to God that Turkey will not become a foreign territory for me.

UT students

Today I felt a little bit tired, so I layed down. As a woman with mediterranean roots it's very normal to have some siesta. Fortyfive minutes later I got up, still tired and a little bit depressed, that's how I feel always after a quick nap. And everytime I say to myself I shouldn't be sleeping during daytime anymore.. But something made me very happy when I got up. I walked to the front door as I could see my mail was delivered. There were two big envelopes, both of them orange brown. I recognized these envelopes, they were from the University of Texas.
You can imagine how curious I got, and nothing of my fatigue was left.. So I opened the envelopes immediately which were full with letters of the students to whom I had a reading for. One by one, they were so touching. I didn't know that I had made such an impact on them. Most of the letters were written by female students, only one was sent by a male student. It touched me, because it made me realize that stories really don't have boundaries. And I was touched by two more things: that the students took the time to send me a letter. And the second thing was that the UT took the effort to send the letters to me. I want to share these letters with you. Just to prove that people all around the world need rolemodels, no matter where they come from. It's beautiful to realize how much we can identify ourselves in people we are separated from. Even if it's thousands of miles away..

Guys Talk

I was just zapping between tv-networks till I saw on the Turkish TRT two interesting men sitting on a terrace-garden talking together, very easily about music. I had never seen this on Dutch television: two guys talking about music. About how they made music, but more also about how they experienced it. They were not ordinary guys but renowned Turkish musicians. One was Kerem Gorsev, a jazz pianist from Istanbul. The other guy was Burhan Ocal, a percussionist, who was also the host of the talkshow.

What made me just watch them and stop zapping was this fascinating chemics between these two guys. Once again, I had never seen this on Dutch tv, it was new to me..Both of the men were hyperactive, or probably it always seems like that with Turkish people talking. Turkish language is a very fast language and when people are enthousiastic about their own work they talk even faster. The smile on the face of Kerem Gorsev was contagious, I kept smiling at him while he was chatting with his fellow musician. Him, Burhan Ocal, was more the type of Lyle Lovett, he looked very interesting.

What made the interview very fascinating was how they talked to each other, their interaction with each other. The best moment was when Kerem Gorsev, the jazz pianist, told about his new production which would be released in 2011. He explained why it would take so long, which is (according to me) very normal for cd's. But the reaction of the tv-host was GORGEOUS.. He said: I have to finish my cd by the end of this year. The producer is waiting for it, but I really don't know how to manage this.. And while he was saying this, you could see him really worrying. How his guest, Kerem Gorsev, reacted, I really don't know.. because I was still thinking about this worrying tv-host...

But to me this was GREAT TV! These guys were having a wonderful conversation together and by now and then they forgot the cameras were on. For me, as a girl, it was the first time I could witness an ordinary 'guys talk'. Beautiful!! If it's going to be on youtube, I will definitely let you know. Because everybody should see it.

More information about Kerem Gorsev: http://www.keremgorsev.com/bio-e.htm
More information about Burhan Ocal: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burhan_%C3%96%C3%A7al

Even after all that way (part 2)

Two months ago I wrote the first part of Even after all that way, about my decision to leave my partner for a while and live in the US. I hope you found it interesting enough. The next few weeks you can find a follow-up:

I couldn't think of any problem. But I think people are confused about my relationship: my fiance and I have been together for more than seven years and we still don't live together. Don't know why, not that we didn't want to, but after so many years, for us this is OK. He has a career, I have mine. But above all, I have also a kid. And Hakan and I are happy living together. That's why we live apart. Call it fear of losing your own space. Or losing your own 'life'? Maybe we are afraid of total commitment. Maybe we love our lifes so much. I don't know and I don't care. But it's certainly easy when you have to make decisions like this. Most of the women can't leave their homes because they are 'responsible' for their family. I am too, but I prefer being responsible for my child and myself (and a career!)So for now, I was not responsible for a whole family, so my fiance's daily life was not going to be 'disorganized'. Some people don't dare to ask, but I hear them thinking: are they monogamous? Well, it's not their business, but yes, it made me thinking that, call it again my naivitity, I asked myself: Wouldn't he start an affair with somebody if I live in the US, just because of the sex? Will a long distance relationship create more chance on cheating each other? Probably..but does just being there guarantee that he won't have an affair? It's not something you can control. And if he wants to do something like that, wouldn't he be doing it any way? And by the way, I don't have time to control him. Who does these days?

He will be happy for me. I know for sure. Or not? How do I start?

'Honey, I have to tell you something.'

We talked. And yes, it was a big deal. Holy sh.. Eight months! But he was very happy and proud of me!

I emailed another friend of mine with the same news. According to her, men are supposed to protest when their wives relocate, even when it's for a limited period of time. I know Danielle since we were twentyfive – she was working as a make-up artist all over the world, every season she came back from exotic places with the fanciest stories about being cosmopolite and never wanting to end up in one place. Untill she found her Romeo and got stuck with him and their twins in a two bedroom apartment in Milan. She suggested that I think over my relationship with him. “Does this man really love you?” is what she said. “If he does, why would he let you go for so long?” Oops, could that be true? So this means he doesn't love me?

One by one I had to face with 'the' obstacles. I better start with the one I am responsible of. I call him 'my tail', wherever I go, he comes with me.

My son was ten. Which was supposed to be 'old enough' to understand what was happening. But if I had to believe my friends, I could expect some trouble.

And how do you do that? Tell a ten-year-old that he will be living for a while in another country. 6000 miles away, with nobody he knows, no father, no friends, no family, except for his mother? How did Obama's mother tell Barack she was leaving for a while? It's not exactly the same because I take him with me, but for a boy it's a radical change.

'Hakan, are you ready for an adventure?' I asked my son before going to bed on an early September evening.

'Do you mean I may go snowboarding this year?' he said, remembering me telling him that.

'No, I mean rrreal adventure. Would you like to live in another city, another country in another continent?' I asked carefully.

He looked excited. His eyes were shining.

'Mama has to work overseas for a while and you're coming with her'.

And there it was, all of a sudden, he showed this look which has been there all his young life. Trust. Confidence. That it's O.K.

Filiz and Zeyno

Today was a very special day. It made me again realize where I get my inspiration from. People constantly ask me how I find the time for the things I do, in combination with the care of a child. Well, I can tell you that the best fuel for me is meeting other women. I love women. Yes I do. They insprire me so much. I like to look at them, listen to them, eat with them, dance with them. Sometimes I even think that I don't even need a man in my life. But please don't get me wrong, I am still in love with my fiance..

But back to today.. Filiz Odabas and Zeyno Baran..Both Turkish women living in Washington for almost their entire worklife. Filiz is the US executive director of the International Association of Human Values and director of Governmental Relations of Art of Living Foundation. I met her two years ago at a house of my girlfriend in Istanbul. Filiz invited me today for her monthly Middle Eastern Breakfast Club which they have at Four Seasons Hotel in Washington. It's a group of very distinctive, influential and diverse people with common interest in the development of the Middle Eastern Area. Filiz thought the group might be interested in what I have to say about mediterranean women. So, we had an interesting talk about the position of migrants in Europe, Iran, but also about the latest developments in China. And not to forget to mention: the breakfast was great! I had, again, my blueberry pancakes.

Afterwards Filiz took me to her office, which is the Art of Living Centre in Washington. They had recently renovated the former Italian embassy, in a tremendous old style four floor villa/mansion, probably dated from the thirties of the twentieth century. I love old buildings with wide marble halls, fireplaces, high ceilings and wooden parquet floors, It should be so nice to be meditating in such a fine place. While Filiz was guiding me through the building, I noticed, and that surprised me, there were very many young people attending these breathing- and yoga classes. Youngsters from America, middle and high-class (I could tell when seeing the Louis Vuitton suitcases in the dorms) were here together. It made me happy to see that youngsters were there in so much peace.. I have to admit that I was a little bit jealous of Filiz who is fortunate to work there every day..

Later, Filiz took me to lunch with a friend of hers, Zeyno Baran. Her name didn't sound strange to me, but I could not really remember where from. And then, when I saw her, I knew it. I had met her at the conference of the American Embassy. Zeyno works for the Hudson Institute, a renowned thinkthank in Washington, where she is the director of Eurasian Affairs. She started to talk about the two books she is writing on and while she was doing that I could see myself sitting there. We had similarities all over; our ambitions and our goals were almost exactly the same. She is a very independent thinker and is not afraid to tell her view. She takes initiatives and starts projects all over the world which make her travel much. But most of all she thinks about life. She thinks why she does things and how she can make a change. And she uses her position to make the change. I felt connected. Her latest project which she just ended is a book titled 'The other muslims'. About ten young muslims who were about to radicalize but decided not to. And that story is very fascinating. We know by know all the reasons and arguments why young muslims radicalize, but what made these people change their mind? I know I will be the first one to buy her book.

Thank you so much Filiz and Zeyno for this inspirational day!

Marisol

My dear dear readers,

Today I woke up and, as always the first thing I do (I know it's wrong, but I can't help it!) is look for my Blackberry. I am always happy to receive an email of a friend. This one was from my dearest friend Marisol. And I can't believe it myself when I say that you CAN be friends forever with somebody whom you have known only for seven months. Yes, you can!!!

And luckily, we have FACEBOOK!!! Wow, I want to say to the people who invented FACEBOOK: Thank you so much. This is a way I can keep my friends very near with me.
But back to my happiness when I receive an email. Marisol sent me an email on this sad morning and it made me very happy. That's why I want to share this with you. And of course, feel free to forward it. Thank you Marisol.
Besos,
Senay

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone and everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Remember, friends are the family we choose for ourselves.

First baby

When’s the best time to have a baby? It’s a question many women ask themselves, and to which they find a wide diversity of answers. American women have their first baby when they are 25 (a way much better compared to 1970 when the average age was 21.4 years!)

This 'aging', becoming an older mother, is a global movement. For instance in Europe the average age of women becoming for the first time a mother is higher: 29! Which makes me very mediocre, because I was 29 years old too when I gave birth to my son. Like my fellow-late-mothers, I had a lot of reasons to compete with my biological clock, but career (and financial reasons), finding the right partner and self-development were the most important reasons of my delay.

Still, many don't agree with that. I have had so many discussions with people saying that it's not healthy for women to have their first baby at that age (which is not true because also in the old days, women had babies when they were over forty!) And people telling me that babies are healthier if they are deliverde by women in their most fertile periods, which is when they are 23 years old. As if Britney Spears and Jessica Alba are better mothers than Michelle Obama or Hillary Clinton?

For me 'being fertile' doesn't always mean 'capable' of becoming a mother. With my experience in life, and the self-esteem I built through these years, I think I am a good mother, at least I am trying to be.

Which is in my opinion the biggest difference between younger and older mothers: the young ones take it for granted that they just had a baby. It is all natural.. The older ones think about the steps in their lifes continuously and decide very conscious what they want.

In her book Ready professor Elizabeth Gregory* gave me the confirmation. I went to her lecture here at the University of Texas. One of the results of her book was that women 'who embrace later motherhood' are healthier and live longer. The biggest reason for that is of course that women who have their first baby at an older age, are higher educated, have better salaries and thus have better access to health care. We all know that their children will always profit from that.

*(Elizabeth Gregory is Professor of English and Director of the Women's Studies Program at the University of Houston. She blogs about modern motherhood and women's work on the Huffington Post and http://www.readymoms.com.