Arianna Huffington

I realized how encouraged I was the moment I heard the news about AOL merging with the Huffington Post. If there is one woman who inspires me at this moment, then it’s Huffpost’s founder and editor-in-chief Arianna Huffington.

She is a fascinating woman. As the author of the book ‘On Becoming Fearless ... in Love, Work and Life.’ she already has illustrated multiple times to be fearless. The first time was when she left Athens, Greece, where she was born, to go to England in order to study at the Cambridge University. Many people want to study internationally, but let’s face it, there are still far too few women who take up that challenge.

The second time she was fearless was when she left her then-boyfriend, the famous Times-journalist, Bernard Levin. She broke off the relationship and moved to the United States, because of Levin's refusal to get married. I feel pretty certain that Arianna NOW thinks it was probably the best thing she did back then by leaving him, but we women know how difficult it is to end a relationship, and certainly with someone you say was the love of your life.

The third time she showed her fearless power- no, that was not the time when she married a millionaire- was when she found Huffington Post and made it the most successful blogging-site in the world, and became a millionaire herself. Maybe the men in her life partially contributed to her success, - of course everything and everybody in her life probably influenced her decisions on some levels - but it always makes me happy when women rise up, and show leadership by really changing the concept of the news industry. My fascination is more as I also created a different model in the media: a magazine for Mediterranean women.

As Forbes ranked Arianna one of the 12th most influential women in the media, she is a role model for we women journalists, and for women in general, to be fearless and really go for our dreams. She has defined how she can be a leader, and not be let a man or a past career move keep her from reaching her goals. It is inspiring to read stories about women who not only SAY what they want to do, but to act and actually DO those dreams.

I remember her saying in one of the interviews about her book - on how you become your own leader - by looking in the mirror, and you should stop searching for the knight on the white horse who is going to “save” you; And she is right, that only results in your being disappointed again and again.

Her life is the best example for the power of a woman. She divorced from a wealthy man (after he made it clear that he was more attracted to his own sex), she became an influential and wealthy woman in her own right. Her looks and name may mislead you, with her sexy business suits, blond hair and “enhanced” face; she looks like a typical American businesswoman. But then you discover she is not American at all, but conquered America, she becomes a role model for every one of us in the world.

I hope the story of Arianna will inspire more women to pursue their goals, and to become their own leaders.

Daddy's great ambition

It's funny how things can turn so surprising and strange in your life. In 2009 I taught a class at the School for Journalism consisting of very ambitious and hard-working students. I would have never thought that I would become a teacher, even though my entire family consists of teachers: my father and all my uncles were lecturers and also my eldest sister has been teaching very small children for more than twenty years at a Dutch elementary school.

I remember that my father, who passed away exactly seven years ago, was very passionate about his work. With his good looking (he had amazing brown-green eyes), but authoritarian appearance and his knowledge, he gained respect from his students, their parents and the whole community. Whenever we met people in town, or at parties, people would say 'She is the teacher's daughter'. Which was not always fun, because we had no names! We were always 'the daughters of...'. Not that we were not proud of our dad but it also meant that we had to be better, smarter and always more proper than anyone else. If I got a B on my report, my father would ask why it wasn't an A. He did the same with his students as they were also my friends. When I grew older, I asked my father why he did that. His answer: 'Who else could have taught you to be ambitious?'.

Back then, it was no fun. But now, I am very proud that I experienced schooling and being pushed the way I was. But I also realize, after teaching at the University of Texas, how difficult it was for my father to be like that. Expecting the best out of his students meant also that he was highdemanding of himself. His students were ambitious because he was. His children were ambitious because he was.

I experienced how difficult and challenging teaching is. That it's not only about giving the facts and explaining how things work, it's also about stimulating, motivating and inspiring the students. Maybe I can never be as good as my father was, but at least I inherited something from him. I became a mentor. After ten years since my first column was published, I still get questions from my (female) readers, because I have always kept in touch with them. Some of my former UT-students still contact me and my former employees of SEN regularly email me for career-advise. The experience that my little nieces and nephews ask me to help them with their essays and presentations makes me happy. My goal? Inspire them to aim for the highest. And of course, above all, I hope that I can be a rolemodel for my own son.

I may not have my dad's brown-green eyes, but without his great ambition I know I could have never come so far.

Nil Rocks!

What I like most about her? Every song describes in detail one aspect of life, love or marriage.
It’s not just a cliche of ‘I love you.. why don’t you come back..’ or ‘Never intended to hurt you..sorry..please stay with me.’ No, Nil Karaibrahimgil writes about how much she – like every girl on this planet - once desired to wear a pink princess dress. At the concert she gave in Paradiso Amsterdam, she started with an excuse telling why she (thought)?) looked weird, with a lace princess skirt on leather brown pants. Every other singer might look ridiculous, But not Nil.  Nil Karaibrahimgil, singer, songwriter, cum laude graduate in politics and international relations looks like a supermodel.
 
Before I had even seen her,  I already was fan of her voice. She sang the original soundtrack of the movie ‘Organize Isler Bunlar’ and her distinctive voice using a certain girlish accent, made me curious of who the singer was of this beautiful maffia-song, and what was her story?

I got the chance to interview Nil Karaibrahimgil- known in Europe as the Turkish Bjork, because of her extravagant and daring outfits- quickly after the concert, just for ten minutes- but enough to ask her some nice questions. What I found out:
 
It was her first time in The Netherlands, but she liked being in Amsterdam a lot. She particularly was fascinated by Paradiso; and that shows her good taste because the authentic building is definitely one of the finest concert locations of this country. Many pop singers would like to stand on the main podium of Paradiso. Nil said she was determined to come back soon and make a bigger tour around Belgium and Germany,  because Turkish singers are not used to do European tours as often as other singers do.

Nil is a versatile woman. One of her songs ‘Sana kek yaptim’ (translated: I made cake for you), made me question if she bakes cakes for her partner. She surprised me when she told me she doesn't even bake cakes. Yes, she is definitely 'a free girl', named after her song 'I am free', which is about liberation and feminism.
 
That’s what I like about her songs. Most of them are about strong women who can take care very well for themselves. Her song 'Pirlanta' (Diamond) is one of my favorites. In this song she tells that she bought her own diamond ring. She seizes topics out of the daily life of contemporary women. One song is totally written about sleeping on your own in a King size bed. She surprised the audience when she asked;’Who in this room sleeps alone in a King size bed?’ Most people (men and women) raised their hands wistfully. And then she said: ’Well, it’s easily fixed. Date with each other!!’

Sometimes her songs are more political, such as  "Yaş 18" (Age 18) which is one of the two tracks she recorded for the soundtrack of the Turkish movie Sinav (Exam). The movie and the song deal with the pressure Turkish students face during adolescence.

My last question - about her future plans - actually surprised me, but I should've known better. Her dreams don't differ much from the girl next door's: Now that she's married (at the Nile in Egypt where her name comes from), Nil desperately wants to become a mom. Like most girls do.

Hymen Reconstructions

Recently I tweeted Sadie Stein's article about women restoring their virginity. To me, this topic is not new, since as an editor of a woman's magazine we have been dealing with it for a couple of years already. I have received a lot of questions about how women know if they still have a hymen. We wrote columns and articles about it, like the virginity test (in Dutch), and my one page op-ed about the virginity-paradox, published in the Dutch daily NRC Handelsblad, received many reactions from all around the world.

I get outraged about this topic, each and every time. Why would a woman be judged by this itsy bitsy mini tiny thing in her body for ALL her life? What's important is that you and your partner/husband shouldn't care. And do you think virginity is a romantic thing? Come on! I get more frustrated when I hear about women who '’keep these traditions’'. What kind of woman are you when your annual gift to your husband is having your hymen restored so that you can be a virgin at least once a year? I get mad when I hear replies of dudes saying "I rather marry a virgin because sex with me is the only sex she has to know." I know, from the letters to my magazine that there are, luckily, also men saying: "I'd rather marry someone with experience because then I know I'm the best she's ever had." And I love this reply of an Arab girl to Sadie's article: "Guys who just look harder for girls who ARE virgins? Well then they can go fuck themselves because I don't want to."

And yes, this is all about the patriarchal world we are living in. According to many many tribes and religions, women are just not supposed to enjoy their body, or enjoy their life.

But we can make this stop and wash out the myth. First, hymens do not break, nor do they disappear after first vaginal intercourse. So, the expectation that a woman bleeds on her wedding night is out of keeping with the reality of many women's bodies. Because, most women (more than 50%) do not bleed their first time. In most cases the hymen is a small band on the side of the vagina (1,5 centimeters down the vagina). This band is very flexible. Not everybody has this band and it disappears by aging. Because women are all different, even a doctor can hardly tell by looking at a vagina whether a woman has had children or if she ever had sex. In rare cases there is a string in the middle. In one of a million times the vagina is closed of by the hymen. This causes problems because menstruation blood can not leave the body. If this is the case, a doctor needs to open the hymen.

But I have hope when I hear women liberating themselves. So, I want to finish this post with one fantastic and hopeful reader's comment to Sadie's article: "Why would I want to restore my virginity? It took me forever to finally get rid of it."

Two fingers

I was speechless. In fact, I still am. Did you hear about the Indian finger test? Well, hold on, it's horrifying and it really is as awful as it sounds. What is it? The finger test is a rape test used by doctors to determine if sexual intercourse is being practiced. The doctor inserts two fingers into a rape victim's vagina to verify the presence or absence of the hymen.

So, let's rewind.

It won't be easy, but try to imagine you have just been raped— already an awful experience to deal with. Terrified your family will condemn you, you go to the police. The police say they are not convinced about your statement or story. Neither does your family. They want to know whether you were raped because you 'asked for it', or you were 'chaste' enough and truly a victim of rape. To determine the validity of your story, they send you to the doctor. While you are still enduring the mental and physical anguish and humiliation of the rape, you have to take a seat in the gynaecologist chair and let a strange man, a doctor, insert two fingers in your vagina to check the 'purity' of your most intimate female part.

The results are only multiple choice: it can be "two fingers admitted”, “two fingers easily admitted”, or “two fingers not easily admitted". These results can be understood as "used to" or "not used to" sexual intercourse. Of course, the two fingers represent the thickness of the penis.

I don't know about you, but when I read about this I couldn't believe my eyes. It is outrageous and unacceptable. This 'examination' simply can't be medically accurate for several reasons:

1. There is no such thing as a hymen;
2. Each and every woman's vagaina is built different;
3. Each and every man is built differently too: small penises, long ones, thick, thin and so on and so forth.

So for an Indian girl, it's all about luck. Judgement is determined by the insertion of two fingers by a man (suppose female fingers are thinner) in the most intimate part of her body, which will judge her for the rest of her life. Where is this going?

Well, I am elated to know the Human Rights Watch is calling for a ban; and a lower court recently ruled this rape test should be stopped. But although the Indian government prohibits the test because of its immoral nature and some hospitals have banned the test, the doctors and, more importantly, the people in India still see value in it.

Which is where we end up once again in the never-ending circle in patriarchal societies. No one wants to deal with women complaining of sexual harassment. Instead of acknowledging it is happening, and educating doctors on how to deal with this huge issue, or offer women support, women, again, end up being a victim for the second time.

Now, tell me, if you were an Indian woman, would you tell anyone you were raped? I wouldn't.

Private life on the internet

This time I want to share an email of a friend of mine with her comment on the news of the suicide of a Rutgers University freshman killing himself after classmates used hidden camera to watch his sexual activity.

Here is my friend's reaction and I don't have anything to add:

So sad that people think its OK to blast someone's, especially another friend's, private life on the internet. I think all this "technology" and lack of privacy gives people the assumption that anything goes.
There's a huge lack of boundaries, oversharing, and basic respect for a friend.
Basic respect I would think any friend would have for another friend.
Or has all the technology driven, disconnected world we live in zapped people of basic, common respect? And knowing what is OK and not OK to share with others?
Did these two kids lack the ability to see that?
Or were they being malicious to a friend?
Or did they think this was a funny prank?
The article states these were good kids, yet they did not know when to draw the line.
It just makes me very sad..I think not only his parents, but we all should be in mourning.

Wall Street Journal

Dear editor,

As a European Muslim feminist who supports a tolerant and moderate Islam, I was really happy that the Wall Street Journal devoted so much space on its op-ed page to the question "What Is Moderate Islam?" The six "leading thinkers" were eloquent and provocative.
But seriously, WSJ, you couldn't find a single Muslim WOMAN to weigh in?
How ironic is it that ‘the West’ sometimes point at Islam and say how the religion subjugates women and yet here is a Western newspaper that completely ignores the female perspective on a very important issue. It's inexcusable especially considering that the WSJ has a former reporter who is very outspoken, Asra Nomani, a Muslim feminist.

She is not the only one who could have been included. The US counts so much more female Muslim thinkers, e.g. Irshad Manji, Mona Eltahawy, Daisy Khan, Laila Lalami and Nathalie Handal. If the West is going to criticize Islam for not being enlightened, they need to demonstrate a better example.

This article shows exactly where we are still at: the news is still being dominated by white Western males. And of course, if there had been enough female editors in the newsroom, and more preferably, multicultural diverse staff, the WSJ would not have made this gigantic mistake.

The subject of moderate Islam can’t be discussed without Muslim women thinkers. Emancipation is a huge part of the discussion if we want to create a post-patriarchal and a post-modern society in the Muslim world. Feminist standpoints, with fresh approaches to new interpretation of Islam, would have provided multi-dimensional and, above all, practical perspectives of contemporary Islam.

This article reflects the male-dominated power structure in the East and the West. This stereotyping cut both ways. It doesn't leave much for anything else. Shame on you.